I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
