You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
