A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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