"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
