remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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