Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
