My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
