would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
