are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
you traded sex for a burrito?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
