I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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