Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
