I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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