508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
