Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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