Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
