If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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