If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
