The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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