I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
