I'm really into asian looking animals
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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