My pussy is not your playground.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
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