I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize