It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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