i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
