your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
