so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
