I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
