thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
