You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
