Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
