look no pants
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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