so that wasnt chicken after all
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
