He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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