1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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