There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
