She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
