i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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