Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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