if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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