Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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