We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
