goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
