I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
