So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
