I was born with a shot glass in my hand
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
