Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
