Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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