Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
