I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
