just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
