Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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