a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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